Tips for Listening..

1. Give the person your full attention.  Maintain eye contact.  Do not fidget or attempt to multi-task.  You cannot really hear what the person is feeling if you are trying to fix something that also commands your attention.  Listening is important.  If the person is worth talking to they are worth listening to.
2. If you can’t give the person your full attention, tell them.  “You caught me at a bad time, I need to take care of this now.  Is it something that can wait until lunch?”
3. You are not obligated to listen to everyone who wants you to.  Some people are takers.  They want you to listen to them, but don’t return the favor.  This may feel okay or it may not.  It may be all right for a while and then you grow tired of it.  You always have the right to not listen.  Your time is of value to you.  You don’t have to give it away if you don’t want to. 
4. Ask questions to open up the conversation or show interest in the other person.  Do not ask questions to control the discussion.
5. It’s okay to share a similarity at times, “that reminds me when that happened to me.” However if you do this more than once in a while you are not sharing you are dominating the conversation while you are pretending to listen.  It’s not about you.  When you are listening it’s about the other person.
6. Don’t finish sentences for people.  If you do this you are anticipating what they are going to say.  That isn’t fair.  Show courtesy.
7. Find ways to show sincere appreciation or compliments for what the person has done, said or feels.  You don’t have to promote yourself to feel better.  When you support others they will tend to think more positively about you and this will have a positive ripple effect.  It doesn’t take away from you to give credit to another; in fact it’s a way to feel good inside.
8. You do not have to agree with the other person.  Showing empathy is acknowledging their feelings, it doesn’t mean you agree.  Stay in integrity with yourself.  You can understand that someone feels hurt even though you would feel differently in the same situation. Stay true to yourself while remaining a good listener.
9. If you have a time limit let the person know, rather than frequently checking your watch.
10. Be respectful to everyone.  Children, the elderly, a homeless person on the corner.  Treat others, as you would want to be treated.  If you say you will do something do it.  It doesn’t matter if the person has Alzheimer’s disease and may forget or it’s a small child.  This is your integrity.  You can’t turn it on and off as it suits you, you have to live it. 

Treat yourself well.  Other people treat you the way you treat yourself.  You set the tone.  If your relationships are one sided, don’t tolerate them.  If people are not listening to you, let them know what you would like. Develop and keep relationships that support you and are positive. Don’t stay involved with people who are toxic to you, no matter what the relationship or situation.  Show compassion for others and show compassion for yourself. 

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Sympathy and Empathy

Sympathy and empathy are separate terms with some very important distinctions. Sympathyand empathy are both acts of feeling, but with sympathy you feel for the person; you’re sorry for them or pity them, but you don’t specifically understand what they’re feeling. Sometimes we’re left with little choice but to feel sympathetic because we really can’t understand the plight or predicament of someone else. It takes imagination, work, or possibly a similar experience to get to empathy.

Empathy can best be described as feeling with the person. Notice the distinction between for and with. To an extent you are placing yourself in that person’s place, have a good sense of what they feel, and understand their feelings to a degree. It may be impossible to be fully empathetic because each individual's reactions, thoughts and feelings to tragedy are going to be unique. Yet the idea of empathy implies a much more active process. Instead of feeling sorry for, you’re sorry with and have clothed yourself in the mantle of someone else’s emotional reactions.

It is fairly easy to feel sympathetic to someone else’s difficulties. We can definitely pity others who have lost a loved one, undergone significant trauma, or faced terribly difficult times. Those of us who watched the terror of the 9/11 attacks could certainly sympathize, but could we empathize? Actually, many of us could, though few of us can lay claim to really knowing what it might be like to either be in that attack or lose loved ones in it.

All Americans shared in the common ground that America had been attacked. People with no relationship to any person affected by the attack were stunned, shocked, saddened, in grief. We were not just sympathetic, and many arose to express empathy; if we did not know with surety, we could imagine how horribly difficult this was for the many directly affected. Even newspapers around the world felt with Americans, as the French newspaper Le Mondefeatured the headline “We are All Americans.”

This is perhaps the best example of how empathy differs from sympathy. Sympathyexpressed to a person in grief suggests that person is alone in their grief. Empathy suggests you’re in it with them, you can imagine what it is to be in their shoes, and you are together with them in emotional turmoil and loss. Even the best people in the world may have a hard time expressing true empathy. A person who suffers a significant loss may have a hard time talking to his/her family because what is being expressed is condolences or pity, which may not be very helpful.

The need for true empathy gives rise to many groups of people who are encountering huge losses. There are numerous “therapy” groups for battered women, rape victims, parents who have lost children, people undergoing divorce, children with significant illnesses. In such groups, people often have the opportunity to talk to others experiencing things in a very direct way.

In these settings, those suffering don’t get the sympathy of others, but instead get the empathy of others. There is often an implied understanding since all people in such a group are similarly circumstanced. Frequently, what a person in grief really needs to hear is “I’ve done that too," "I totally get what you’re saying," or "I had the exact same thoughts," from someone else: all expressions of empathy. What they tend not to want to hear is “I’m so sorry for you,” an expression of sympathy that makes them feel alone and isolated in their grief.

Original Article

Listening - tips

• Never criticize while listening, and never attack another person for his or her feelings.
• The more difficult listening becomes, the more important it is to listen.
• Remember that when your counterpart feels that he or she has been listened to, he or she is much more likely to listen to your ideas.
• Postpone an important conversation if you are not in the mood to listen. It is better to not talk about it if you are not ready than to try to force through a conversation where you are too distracted by emotions, worries, and other things that prevent you from listening.
• Avoid phrases that imply that you have not listened fully to the points communicated to you such as "Yeah but..." Instead, learn to use phrases that provide confirmation that you have heard the other side fully, such as "I see. Now tell me what you would say to this..."
• Keep in mind that sometimes we need to listen "between the lines," but there are times when we need to absorb things at face value. When we listen intensively, our minds are often busy placing what we hear into the situation and our emotions, which creates barriers to our ability to listen fully what is being said. This is similar to making judgments and drawing conclusions before all has been said. Don't do that. Take it at its face value and go with the flow.
• When you look at the person you are listening to, look into their eyes. This shows that you are 100% focused on them, and not distracted by other things going on. Avoid staring or looks of disbelief.
• Try and be optimistic as often as possible.
• Never poke fun at or ridicule the person you are listening to.
• Avoid trivializing. Avoid comments like, "Thousands of people have this problem so don't worry about it".
• Avoid parroting by repeating the sentences word for word. This can be quite annoying to the person you are trying to listen to.
• Refrain from telling or imposing advice.

Cognitive Theory.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/dna/h2g2/A145108

The newest of the theories, this idea tries to do it all. It takes cognition, or overall thinking, and turns it into the most important acting force in personality.
The cognitive theory prides itself on taking into consideration all parts of the mind - thinking, knowing, memorizing, and communicating - and how they work together. In this sense, they see the mind as a computer, hardware and software interacting to form the personality. This perspective also points to general learning and how it is handled, rather than individual experience, as the main factor in shaping the personality. It sees the mind as a set-out frame waiting to be filled, rather than one shaped by experience. It is most like the behavioural view, but has humanised it by including the idea of individual thinking, personal reward, anticipated reinforcment, and social relationships. In this way it provides an empirical perspective while taking into consideration the fact that humans are... well... human.
Furthermore, the cognitive theory is the only one to clearly state that a person's behaviour is certainly shaped by surroundings, not only internal drives. What one would do surrounded by peers is completely different from what the same person would do in a strange setting.
Developed by Julian Rotter, this theory is usually used in studying child development, therefore the most well-known cognitive therapist isn't Rotter, but developmental psychologist Jean Piaget (pee-ah-zhay). He is most known for his four stages of cognitive development, and his ability to prove that children aren't just adults who know less; they actually think differently. Piaget's stages of cognitive devlopment are:

Typical Age Range	Description of Stage	Developmental Phenomena
Birth to 2 Years	Sensorimotor Learn about the world through feeling, touching, tasting, etc.	Object permanence Distinguishing strangers from friends
2 to 6 Years	Pre-operational Being able to communicate using words and images, but lacking basic logic and reasoning skills; believe that what they see is exactly what others see	Acting out roles of adults Language development
7 to 11 Years	Concrete Operational Able to think logically about actual events, able to reverse arithmetic operations, understand matter conservation	Mathmatical transformations Conservation
12 to Adulthood +	Formal Operational Abstract reasoning, 'if I were' situational thinking	Moral reasoning

This theory is the most widely accepted, and 49% of psychologists operate under some form of this perspective.

Active Listening through Body Language.

Active listening is not just about taking information in and processing it.  It is also about our physical demeanour and body language. Egan (1986) devised five key component of active listening, known by the acronym SOLER:

• Sit straight (this is important in conveying the message that ‘I am here with you.’)
• Open posture (indicating openness to listening to anything the speaker chooses to share)
• Lean forward (indicating an interest in the speakers words)
• Eye contact (another way of expressing interest and reassurance)
• Relax (a relaxed posture puts the speaker at ease).

By remembering SOLER, you can adopt an active listening approach with friends, family, and colleagues. Try it next time you are in a conversation.

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Listening

Listening is an essential part of communication, and it is different from hearing. Being a good and patient listener helps you not only solve many problems at work or home, but also to see the world through the eyes of others, thereby opening your understanding and enhancing your capacity for empathy. In addition, you learn a lot from listening. As simple as listening to and acknowledging other people may seem, doing it well, particularly when disagreements arise, takes sincere effort and lots of practice.

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   Place yourself in the other person's shoes. It is often too easy to wonder about how what the other person is telling you is impacting you. Active listening is not about inward thinking. Instead, you must look at the problems from the other person's perspective and actively try to see his or her point of view. It is not a good idea to consider yourself to be smarter than the speaker and assume that if you would have been in his or her shoes, you would have seen your way through the problem much faster. Remember you have two ears and one mouth for a reason.
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   Create a conducive physical and mental space. Remove all distractions. Give all of your attention. Turn off cell phones. It may be easiest to arrange to talk somewhere that distractions will not occur. Quiet your mind and open yourself to whatever the person might have to say.
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   Stop talking and try to be silent. It might sound obvious and trite, but one of the biggest obstacles to listening, for many people, is resisting the impulse thoughts. Likewise, many think that empathy means sharing with the listener similar experiences that the listener has had. Both can be helpful, but they are easily abused. Put aside your own needs, and waitfor the other person to talk at their own pace.
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   Follow and encourage the speaker with body language. Nodding your head will indicate you hear what the speaker is saying, and will encourage them to continue. Adopting body postures, positions and movements that are similar to the speaker (called mirroring) will allow the speaker to relax and open up more.
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   Practice the empathetic sounding back technique. At appropriate intervals during the conversation, it is helpful to "summarize and restate" and/or "repeat and encourage" the main points:
   
   
   • Repeat and encourage: Repeat some of the things said by the speaker. At the same time, encourage the speaker with positive feedback. For example, you might say: "You didn't enjoy having to take the blame. I can see why." Go easy with this technique, however, because if you overwork it, it may come across as being patronizing.
   • Summarize and restate: It is also very useful to summarize what the speaker is saying and restate it in your own words. This is a form of reassuring the speaker that you have truly been listening to what he or she is saying. It also provides the speaker with an opportunity to correct any mistaken assumptions or misconceptions that may have arisen during the course of the conversation. This is an especially good technique to try when you find yourself getting frustrated or restless in your listening.
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   Do not interrupt with what you feel or think about the topic being discussed. Wait for another person to ask your opinion before interrupting the flow of discussion. Active listening requires the listener to shelve his or her own opinions temporarily, and await appropriate breaks in the conversation for summarizing. Abstain from giving direct advice. Instead, let him or her talk the situation out and find his or her own way. Besides, if he or she takes your advice and something goes wrong, he or she will be likely to blame you (whether he or she tells you or not).
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   Ask meaningful and empowering questions. Do not seek to probe or make the other person defensive. Rather, aim to use questions as a means by which the speaker can begin to reach his or her own conclusions about the concerns or issues being raised. Once you have shown empathetic listening, it is time to move into empowering listening by re-framing the questions that you ask the speaker. For example: "You didn't enjoy having to take the blame. But I cannot understand why you feel blamed rather than merely being asked not to do something that way." Wording the question in this manner presents the speaker with a need to respond directly to your lack of grasping something. In the process of doing so, the speaker should begin to move from a more emotional response to a more constructive response.
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   Wait for the person to open up. In the process of encouraging a constructive response, an active listener must continue to be patient and let the speaker acquire his or her full flow of thoughts, feelings, and ideas. Keep yourself in his or her shoes and try to estimate why he or she is in such a situation.
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   Use Body Language to express your interest. Active listening involves the entire body and face--both yours and that of the speaker:
   
   
   • Your expression: Look interested and meet the gaze of your speaker from time to time. Do not overwhelm the speaker by staring intently, but do reflect friendliness and openness to what you are listening to.
   • Read between the lines: Always be alert for things that have been left unsaid or for cues that can help you gauge the speaker's true feelings. Watch the facial and body expressions of the speaker to try to gather all information you can, not just from the words. Imagine what kind of state of mind would have made you acquire such expressions, body language, and volume.
   • Speak at approximately the same energy level as the other person. This way, he or she will know that the message is getting through and that there is no need to repeat.
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    Try to reassure the speaker that all is well. Whatever the conclusion of the conversation, let the speaker know that you have been happy to listen and to be a sounding board. Make it clear that you are open to further discussion if need be, but that you will not pressure him or her at all. In addition, reassure the speaker of your intention to keep the discussion confidential. Offer to assist with any solutions if you have the ability, time, and expertise. Do not build up false hopes, however. If the only resource you can provide is to continue to be an active listener, make that very clear; in and of itself, this is a very valuable help to any person.
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    Be attentive:
    • Use your face,voice and body to show that you are interested in what that person is talking about
    • Listen with an accepting attitude
    • Ask questions which show that you like to listen
    • Use ideas and emotions to try to communicate to the person
    • Test your understanding
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    Use encouraging words to show you are listening:
    • Mmm,hmm
    • I see
    • Right
    • Uh,huh
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    Use nonverbal actions to show you pay attention to what is being said:
    • Relaxed posture
    • Head-nodding
    • Facial expression
    • Relaxed body expression
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    Use encouraging words that will invite them to continue:
    • Tell me more
    • Let's talk about it
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    Things to avoid:
    • Do not interupt
    • Do not interrogate
    • Do not try to think of your response in your head while listening
    • Do not change the subject
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    Avoid phrases like:
    • Are you sure?
    • It's not that bad
    • Sleep on it.You'll feel better tomorrow
    • Do not be judgemental